If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
