the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize