Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
