Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
