do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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