i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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