I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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