Don't make out with my wife yet
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I forget how to act sober
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