You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
