the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You are the jesus of drinking
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
