My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
the liver wants what the liver wants
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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