This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
