I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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