I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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