So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
sarcasm needs its own font
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
