i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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