I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
