I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
