My cat gives me a boner
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
