So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
