I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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