there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
