So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
