He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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