she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
