someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
