you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
