good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
