So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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