my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
