Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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