Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think a kid would responsible me up
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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