You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
