my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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