today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
