She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
