his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
