i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
