Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
