Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
