Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
