I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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