i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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