sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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