he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
