I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
