What a fucking waste of an outfit
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
