just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
