I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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