I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
