I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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