don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
