It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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