If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
