I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
