he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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