I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
