So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
