There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
