i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize