I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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