The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
