the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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