walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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