I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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